Hang up those bats, scour Etsy for the perfect “Vaguest pop culture icon” costume, and tell everyone how much you hate pumpkin spiced lattes: It’s Halloween again.

I’ve been busy flicking through streaming services to bring you a phantasmic feast, a chilling cheese plate, a stabby selection box of thematically relevant titles to settle down to. I’ve tried to select a bit of something for everyone so hopefully, no matter your mood, you can get searching and scratch that itch this October.

Something home grown and organic.

Borderlands – Shudder

This is a very enjoyable grass-roots horror from right here in the UK. No cheerleaders, no CGI, no huge lake houses for every family earning over £2.60 per hour. No sir, just a grumpy Scot, an excitable tech nerd and three priests with “flexible” accents.

The pitch is: The Vatican’s super-secret ghostbusters are sent to investigate a lovely old church. Deacon, the grumpy Scot (who also drinks a lot by the way…) is a follower of the church but skeptical of the supernatural. Gray is our talkative techy and Father Amidon (Amadan meaning “fool” in Gaelic) is our snippy boss.

What follows is a fairly cookie-cutter investigation of strange goings-on at the recently opened church; Some found footage, the skeptics doubting their skepticism, the agnostics not knowing what to believe. Nothing in the broad strokes will surprise you if you’ve seen over 2 paranormal investigation horror films.

What does shine though are the two leads.

The chemistry and developing relationship between Deacon and Gray is funny and engaging. The dialogue can be a bit clunky and the low budget tends to show on screen at times but at others it’s polished and very well acted. The performances from the two are fantastic and almost carry the film alone. The plot is clear and focused and it ends in a way that made me stare off at the wall for a few minutes. It definitely sticks with you.

A strong, no frills, good old-fashioned low-budget horror.

An updated classic.

In a Violent Nature – Amazon Prime.

Like a prawn cocktail, ABBA, and cocaine, some things haven’t gone out of style.

In a Violent Nature is, at it’s core, a traditional 70s slasher. Big strong silent man goes around making sure a bunch of insufferable teenagers don’t make it to legal drinking age. Much like a crouton with powdered shrimp or a disturbing hologram of Bjorn Ulvaeus, this has taken an old concept and updated it for modern tastes.

The story is that a huge guy comes out of the ground because the teenagers have pissed him off somehow. It won’t win any awards for its story but what stands out in this film is the style. When we are following our mute marauder on his stabby sojourns, the camera follows him for almost ridiculous lengths of time.

The pacing is bizarre too; there are rapid scenes of chaotic violence followed by segments of drawn out mundanity.

It’s a twist on the genre where the killer usually bursts out of nowhere and makes us all jump. In a Violent Nature shows the killer trudging through the woods, through the fields and around to the back door while his victims argue in the living room. Then he bursts out of nowhere and sets about redecorating. It’s grounding to see behind the curtain at things from the killer’s perspective. Turns out there’s a lot of prep involved in carving up campers.

It’s a fun, slow-burn, modern take with clear roots in classic 70s slashers.

An awkward dinner with your divorced parents.

Speak No Evil – Amazon Prime.

Speak No Evil May not be the scariest film I’ve ever seen but it is definitely up there with the most toe-curling, uncomfortable experiences I’ve had.

This Danish film (‘The Guests’ in it’s native tongue) is a brilliantly chilling psychological thriller. The film has recently been remade in English starring James McAvoy. I have not seen the remake but I’m still moderately clenched from seeing the original last year.

The story follows a couple in somewhat of a rut. The husband, Bjorn, seems stifled by his perfectly adequate existence with his wife, Louise and their daughter, Agnes.

Enter: an exciting, sexy Dutch couple.

The four all meet on holiday and become friends. Bored Bjorn and Lovely Louise, are invited to the house of the sexy Dutch couple for a weekend when they all get home.

What follows is best seen for yourself but the horror of this film is not entirely in the creepy goings on at the house of Dutch hosts. What was most nerve-wracking about this film to me was the strict adherence to European social niceties in the face of completely unhinged behaviour. It’s a brilliant look at how terrified we are to be labelled bad guests or cause a stir in business which is not our own.

Bjorn is also a total plum. In an effort to break the monotony of his perfect life, Bjorn goes off the deep end and we can really feel the dismay of Louise having to rationalise why her life partner is suddenly acting like a stranger so as not to look like a square in front of his cool new friends.

It is nail-bitingly uncomfortable and claustrophobic to watch. The story is gripping enough on it’s own. Add a layer of agonising social awkwardness and it’s a trifle of pain.

A snapchat story of a Michelin tasting menu.

Talk To Me – Netflix.

Being over 30 and boring, I decided to spice up our evening on the run up to Halloween last year by catching a late night showing of Talk to Me. I will watch nearly anything distributed by A24. The trailer was interesting and so far I’ve enjoyed pretty much everything I’ve seen from A24 so I already had high expectations.

Talk to Me did not disappoint. The premise is that a group of irresponsible youths are all into this new viral game where you shake an embalmed hand and you can speak to the dead. If you hit it off with the spirit you can let them possess your body, but for no longer than 90 seconds. Clearly the best course of action is to hold parties to snapchat one another passing out and being possessed when someone grips the hand and whispers “talk to me.” It reminded me of my childhood trying to lift each other at sleepovers chanting “light as a feather stiff as a board.”

Trying to contact her dead mother; Mia doesn’t follow the rules of the game and things quickly spiral out of control.

Talk to Me is a joy to watch. It is atmospheric with some lovely shots and shocking but impressive practical effects. The characters are organic and the dialogue is snappy and fluid. The story is great. There’s a nice juicy mystery to get to the bottom of and you’re kept on your toes by the little moments of revelation here and there. Sophie Wilde puts in a brilliant shift as Mia, skilfully showcasing the depth and complexity of Mia’s chaotic emotions.

My pick of last year’s horror for sure.

A pot of gruel and a chunk of bread.

The Devil’s Bath –Shudder.

A hot one on Shudder just now; The Devil’s Bath is a film I went into knowing nothing about. A random pick which turned out to be a thoroughly depressing evening.

Set in Ye Olden Austrian forest in the 18^th century: The Devil’s Bath has quite clearly been watching The VVitch. Same grey landscape, same religious fervour, same claustrophobic tone, probably same costume department too. Not to say that this is a rip off, though. This suffocating look at everyday life draws its inspiration from real cases from historical records of the time. A fact that is mentioned at the opening of the film. If I had a pound for every “based on real events” I’ve read I’d not be writing this for free. Having watched the film and looked up the inspiration, however, I can tell you that it is chillingly close to the source material.

The Devil’s Bath tells the story of Agnes, a young peasant woman who marries a young peasant man. They try to have a young peasant baby and this is where things go wrong.

The film takes an unflinching look at the 18^th century life and the role of young women, religious pressures, superstition, mental health and sexuality. It is a deeply troubling film but I found it an engaging watch. It isn’t fun or even particularly scary. It’s more harrowing and unrelentingly grim.

I might not be selling this film particularly well to some of you but if nothing else it is worth seeing for the performances alone. Particularly Anja Plaschg as Agnes. Plaschg is just exceptional as the stifled and hopeless Agnes.

A plate of wet potato peelings and tripe.

The Nun 2 – Watch now. (ironically)

Things got a bit sad there for a while so let’s finish on a high. Or low.

The Nun 2 is probably the worst horror film I’ve seen in recent memory. In fact, thinking about it, it’s probably in the top 10 worst films I’ve ever seen. I can’t quite point to one, singular aspect which rubbed me up the wrong way about it. It was a melange of bad.

I think it started with the dialogue. I am not being hyperbolic when I say that I genuinely had doubts as to whether this was written by AI or not. All clumsy exposition dumping and weird turns of phrase. The characters are bland and inconsistent. The film is blatantly a cash grab because The Conjuring was a really good film and unfortunately someone stuck a demon nun in there and clearly everyone thought that that was the best thing about it. Nuns are supposed to be good so it’s scary you see…

It’s not scary, it’s dumb and not even fun-bad. It’s just frustrating and stale. The “scary” sequences are all predictable horror cliches and most of them don’t even have anything to do with the story as a whole. They’re like what would happen if you asked chat GPT to make an utterly uninspired “horror sequence.” You can feel the boredom of the cast and crew through the screen. There is no love or passion in this film. To their credit, the actors do their best but there isn’t an actor alive today that could have delivered that script with a straight face so I can only imagine the extent of the CGI budget to digitally erase their sneers of contempt.

I do not know why this film exists. Perhaps Warner Bros. have shares in those Halloween shops which pop up every year like an autumnal fungus and were hoping to make the money back on face paint and black habits.

Don’t watch it. The only reason I include this in the list was because my therapist said it would be more productive outlet of frustration than buying every DvD I could find of The Nun 2 and smashing them all with a brick.

Happy Halloween.